A (Not-so) Normal Life
by Light Burst
Summary: Light Burst and his group of quirky and downright strange friends visit new place and go on mystifing adventures in this story. Nah, just kidding, they sit around and make fun of eachother a lot. Rated M for Strong Language and Sexual Themes.
1. One man's 'Leet thermostat

So... I'm Light Burst. I don't want to spend TOO much time on this introduction, so I'll make it quick. I'm a (not so) ordinary pegasus who lives in PonyVille, where Twilight Sparkle, the newest princess in Equestria, lived before she was officially coronated about a year ago (And I think she's the princess of magic or friendchips or whatever it was she is so amazingly talented at. Oh, wait, that would make her the princess of books. Or not. DON'T JUDGE ME.)

Okay, so before I get TOO off topic, let's start the story of me living my life of somewhat wacky (or just plain strange) adventures.

I awoke to the sound of birds chirping and feeling relaxed and refreshed. No, just kidding, it's Monday. I woke up to an irritating alarm clock and I was still half-asleep to where my eyes were crusted over. Yeah. Every Monday ever.

So, my morning routine was the same. Except it was Monday, so I dozed off a few times during every part of it. First thing to do on Mondays? Go down stairs and guzzle some hot sauce. Which still fails to wake me up because I'm pretty much tongue-dead (is that even a thing?) in the morning. That's when my taste-buds are all like, "Yeah, cool, drink scorching red fluids, I'll just sit here and watch your teeth disintegrate slowly."

Most ponies have active and exciting morning routines. Well, I don't. I usually just roll back under my covers and sleep for the rest of the day. But not today, of course. It's only the best of days! Monday! (*sarcasm sarcasm*) No, but seriously. I've got stuff to do. First, I have to help my friend Gear Dust fix a thermostat (for whatever reason), help my OTHER friend Kill Switch practice his Arnold Scwarzenneger voice (because that's some "human" thing from lore who has some really iconic voice or something), and THEN help my OTHER-OTHER friend Fire Starter do whatever he does for fun. Did I mention my friends need help with things they SHOULDN'T need help with at all?

So, I did what I planned to do, just for not as long as I wanted to. I slept for about 3 and a half hours (instead of all day), but APPARENTLY that's too long for Gear Dust. Because for whatever reason, he came a-knocking at my door, sure enough. I don't get why he needs help with a thermostat at 9:30 in the morning.

"Have you been oversleeping again, Light?" He asked, somewhat glaring at me, as I sleepily swung open the door. "Because it's really cold at my house and it's Monday and I want to get that thermostat fixed."

"Exactly. It's Monday. Oh, and it's not oversleeping, Gear. It's called hibernating. Animals do it ALL the time, why can't I."

"Trust me, Light, you ARE an animal." He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, sure, I'm the animal. You should see Kill Switch when you takes his AK-47. He'll probably turn into a bear with chainsaw hands and tear your face off." I chuckled, trotting into my kitchen and grabbing a beer out of the fridge.

"You would LITERALLY turn into a bear with chainsaw hands and tear somepony's face off." He turned around. "Now come on, let's get this over with. I have better things to be doing."

Did I mention my friendship with Gear isn't all that friendly? So, saving you the pain of a wordless 30-minute walk through town to some run-down remains of a mansion that Gear Dust calls a home, we get there and go inside and just stare at the thermostat for a minute. It says 1337 degrees celsius, but it's not actually hooked up or anything.

"Gear, why do want to change this? It says 'Leet!" A gust of cold air blew through an open hole in his ceiling and came straight down onto me, sending chills down my spine.

"Hardee har har. Very funny, Light. We're not teenagers anymore. I'm a once-was billionaire and you're... you." He looked at me, not able to think of anything better to say about me.

"Yeah. Once was. You spent every last bit on hookers and moldy cheese from the 99-cent store." I looked at him, slightly disgusted.

"Can't blame a guy for havin' a good time, right?" He smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, well Ronaldo and Melinda weren't the best names for the two you stuck with after 4 years of the same life."

"Her name was Randalli, not Ronaldo. And you know Melinda was the best pet cheese that ever lived." He looked over to me, still slightly embarassed.

"Yup. That's exactly why I'm dissapointed in the path you chose." I rolled my eyes.

"Just... you can leave if you don't want to be here. You had a choice." He quietly growled, almost inaudibly.

"I didn't have a choice, but yeah, I'll leave. It's Monday anyways. I shouldn't even be out of bed right now, let alone halfway across town, Gear!" I said, a bit outraged. I slowly back up and cooled down, giving him a small wave and leaving into the town.

You have THREE choices on the start to the next chapter.

CHOICE A: One of the mane six crashes something into him. [Specific Mane 6 character here.]

CHOICE B: He finds the T.A.R.D.I.S. and pokes it with a stick.

CHOICE C: Derpy drops a shit-ton of mail on him.

VOTE AWAY! UNTIL NEXT TIME, ME LADDIES. AND ALWAYS REMEBER; SHREK IS LOVE, SHREK IS LIFE.


	2. Queen of Stiney Penis

I trotted through the crowded streets of town, constantly bumping into everypony and tripping over rocks and other ponies' hooves. I broke through the crowd, making it to a fairly open part of town. I noticed this pink blur racing at me, and I wondered what it was. Then it hit me. No seriously, it was some pink chick and she barreled into me.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeello!" She yelled in a loud, upbeat tone. "And welcome to PonyVille!" The pink pony giggled.

"I've lived here for 7 years..." I pushed her off of me and stood up. "I'm not new around here..."

"Oh well! This is the first time I've seen you around here, so you're fair game for a WELCOME PARTY!" She blasted, ruining my hearing for about an eternity and then some.

"Keep it down!" I yelled, grabbing her shoulders and keeping her still. And then I started flailing WITH her bouncing. When she finally stopped, I shook off my dizziness and glared at her. "Who are you anyways?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie! But I can't say anymore than that! I have to set up the party!" And with that she pretty much TELEPORTED into a bakery, leaving me dumbfounded and sitting with my mouth agape. I shook it off and took flight, bursting to Kill Switch's house and pretty much welcoming myself in.

"No! Not come in yet! Get to the choppa!" He yelled in the weirdest voice I've ever hear. "Stinequeen!" He yelled. I trotted into his living room to see him playing Call of Warfare on the pBox720. "You are the queen of stiney penis!" At his remark, I could hear the unbearable blare of adolescent laughs from his headphones.

"What are you doing...?" I slowly trotted to the couch where he sat slouched over covered in potato chip dust and spaghetti sauce.

He looked over at me, taking off his headphones and sitting them on the table along with his controller. "Oh, hey. I was just yelling at some chick over pBox Live. Same old, same old. And I caught onto the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, so I don't really need help anymore." He said, standing up and causing a cloud of salty dust rise into the air.

I looked down at his headphones, which seemed new. They were polished and looked new, not like his normal, torn, broken headphones. "Are those new?" I grabbed them, giving them a proper inspection.

"Put it down!" He grabbed them and put it on, giving a large smile like a headphone model or something. "Like the new Tortoise Bitches?"

"It's Tortoise BEACHES. Now come on. Hand me a goddamn controller and we'll play something." I tossed him his controller he had sat down and grabbed a plain black one from a box near his couch.

Alright, sorry for the short chapter. I'll make up for it, at least I HOPE I will. Not exactly any guarantees. I'm actually a very new writer. A noob to this world.

MORE CHOICE TIME.

Choice A: They play Skate 3 and exploit its bugs and glitches.

Choice B: They play Equestrian National Hoofball 2014 and make their players do contortionist shit.

Choice C: They get a life.

Let me end it with a humble "Shrek is love; Shrek is life"...


	3. The Welcome Party

I trotted to Kill's desk, grabbing the new EFL 2014 game off of a shelf. "Yo, when did you get this? I'd kill you for it!" Not something to say... he went all internet on me...

"Cum at mee m8. Ill snap ya nck, sware on me mum." He joked, grabbing the game from my hooves and tossed into the somehow open and empty disc tray.

He started the game and we chose our teams. I took my favorite team, the New Equestrian Patriots. He took the Denver Colts. Go figure, he is from Coltorado. We started a practice game and he started offense. First play, he tossed the ball short and three players dove into his legs. His character fucking FLIPPED. OUT. Seriously, kept doin' 360s and helicopters and pretzels and Celestia knows what else.

Not much else happened, so after that I gave him a friendly goodbye and left. Actually, I said, "Yu fegit I sware on mee mum Ill kck ur ass." in internet language and then left.

Once I left, I remembered about Pinkie's party. Well, she had goddamn signs posted on every sign, house, and grandma in town. Even the kitchen sink. So once I got to Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie gave me a hug of suffocation and dragged me upstairs. Yes, DRAGGED me.

"I'm SOOOOOOOO glad you're here! The party just started!" She bounced up the stairs, and once we got to the top she let go, allowing me to stand up and dust myself off. "Welcome, everypony! We're here to welcome... uh..." She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "What's your name?"

"Light Burst..." I muttered, looking around. I was surrounded by so many mares it was like a festival of hothothothothothothothotness.

"Light Burst! Let's get this party STARTED!" With that, everyone started to hang out by the punch bowl and danced together.

I trotted over to a young dragon who sat alone in a corner. "Yo, man, too many hot babes in here." I admired every mare, and maybe I had small sexual fantasies of each one. Even the ones I knew were lesbians.

"Story of my life." He rolled his eyes. "Name's Spike." He looked at me. "And you're Light Burst, right?"

"Spot on, kid." I looked at the mares for a second or two (or 40) and then back to the purple and green dragon. "Say, you know if any of these mares are single?" I don't know why I asked a kid this. 'I doubt he even knows what I'm sa-', my thought was cut off by Spike.

"Twilight and Fluttershy are. They could use a good lick once in a while." Well, dayum. I stand corrected. I hid my surprise at his comment by looking around.

"Care pointing them out to me?" I chuckled sheepishly.

He pointed to a lavender mare with a purple mane and a magenta stripe down the middle of it. "That's Twilight. She's the town librarian and the newest princess of Equestria."

'A princess? Here? Why?' I thought to myself.

He then turned and pointed to a yellow mare with a long, pink mane who sat alone on the opposite side of the room. "That's Fluttershy, the animal caretaker who lives on the border of the Everfree. I would say, "Don't be fooled by here name because blah blah blah", but no. She actually is shy. Plus, that would be way too cliché anyways." He turned back to me. "So go ahead and mingle."

I nodded at the dragon and stood up, trotting to Fluttershy. I sat down at her side and spoke softly, "Hello miss..."

She stayed silent, not even making eye contact with me.

"Miss? You are Fluttershy, right?"

Her eyes widened and she looked at me, jaw dropped. "How did you know that, sir? A-aren't you new...?" She spoke nearly inaudibly, but I'm lucky I was sitting so close.

"No, I'm not new. I've lived here for 7 years. Pinkie just hasn't ever seen me before." I rolled my eyes. "Chick is insane. And a dragon named Spike told me your name."

"Oh, w-well... I-in that case... I g-guess it wouldn't hurt to make a new friend..." She spoke a little louder this time, but she was staring at the wooden floor again now.

"Glad you aren't retreating back to Alpha Base Zed on the edge of the Everfree." I chuckled.

"How did you know I lived by the Everfree...?"

"Same dragon who told me your name told me." I looked at Spike, then back at Fluttershy.

"O-oh..." She looked me in the eyes again. "Well, Mr. Light Burst, sir. I'm sorry but I don't feel into the mood of talking at the m-moment..." She gulped.

'Damnit... Abort mission!'

"Oh. Okay, Fluttershy. I'll see you later then." I stood up.

"You can visit me anytime, though. We can talk at my house, i-if you don't mind..." She looked up to me.

'Mission is back on! I repeat! Mission is back on!' I burst with glee on the inside, still keeping my cool on the outside. "Okay, Fluttershy. Will do." I nodded and trotted away from her.

I sat and drank punch for the rest of the party because I couldn't talk to Princess Twilight. She was surrounded by too many ponies. When the party ended, I casually left like everypony else. I felt like that was just a little house party rather than a welcoming party. I guess she IS 7 years late, though.

And for some reason I can't stop thinking about Fluttershy now... guess I am a bit attracted to her. No, fuck "a bit". I'm turned on by her. For what goddamn reason? I dunno. Probably because I like sex. I learned about sex when I was a kid. But I don't remember shit. When we were kids life was all about Cheeze Nips and video games, G- I don't even...

FINAL SENTENCE JONTRON REFERENCE. My career is over, GG, I've stooped too low. Nah, just kidding. So, what did you guys think? R&R would be helpful/appreciated. Dank you. Shrek is life, Shrek is love.

Wait, damnit, I got that backwards. SHREK IS LOVE, SHREK IS LIFE.

You know the drill...

A: He finds the Tardis and pokes it with a stick. (- From chpt. 1)

B: Derpy drops a shit-ton of mail on him. (- Also from chpt. 1)

C: He meets some more of the mane 6. [Specific character(s)]

Sweaty Nips of Cheeze...


	4. Rainbow & Sky and the OPRAH of POPE-RAH

I quietly (If you consider yelling with a pack-a-day smoker's voice quiet) trotted through the empty-ish streets of PonyVille. I looked at the clock tower to see it was 4:30. Dayum. It's been 7 hours. I quickly retreated to a back alley for whatever reason and then exploded up onto a cloud. And then I saw a cyan blur coming closer and closer, and I wondered why. And then it hit me...

"Oh, man, sorry!" A mare stood up, giggling. "Didn't quite see you..." She rubbed the back of her head.

"It's not like that HURT or anything." I rolled my eyes. "Who are you, anyways?

"Rainbow Dash, only the fastest fillyfooler in all of Equestria!"

"What?"

"I meant FLIER! Definitely meant flier. What did I say before?"

"Uh..." I took a single step back.

"Rainbow, I told you to wait up!" A male voice came from behind the cyan pegasus.

"Oh, sorry Sky!" She chuckled sheepishly.

"Erhm..." I looked around. "..."

"Are you broken?" Sky asked, taking a step closer.

"No!"

"Good to hear then..." He stepped back.

"Sky, this is... uh... uh... What did you say your name was again?" Rainbow blushed and embarrasment and looked away.

"Light Burst. I didn't tell you yet, Einstein." I joked.

"Whatever."

"But did you account for the fabulous, Dash?"

"No, but I accounted for the large amounts of OPRAH!" From that remark, I could tell Rainbow was up to speed on my kind 'a nonsensical shenanigans.

"OPRAH!"

"Who in the hay is "OPRAH!"?" Sky chimed in, a bit freaked out.

"I shall go get a POPE-RAH!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"And don't call me Shirley." Rainbow Dash spoke in a low, monotone voice.

"OPRAH. NOPONY ASKED YOU FOR YOUR OPINION, OPRAH."

"I AM OPRAH PIMP."

"I AM THE POPE-RAH."

"I AM OPRAH, OPRAH.

"IT IS POPE-RAH, OPRAH."

"Can you guys knock it off?!" Sky bursted. "As if Rainbow isn't weird enough to embarrass me on a daily basis..."

"But Oprah..." Rainbow used her best puppy eyes on Sky.

"NO. NEIN. NOT WORKING THIS TIME, RAINBOW." Sky yelled, which was kinda like rejecting somepony. And Rainbow had the matching expression on her face.

"Okay, guys. Enough nonsense. Let's get down to business." I cleared my throat.

"What business? You didn't tell me this was a business trip, Dash!" Sky looked at Rainbow. "I didn't even wear a suit!"

"Oh, SHIT." I yelled, looking at the clock tower. "It's 4:55! I have to help my friend Fire Starter. I'll be seeing you guys later, alright?"

"Okay, Light Burst. You got it." Rainbow giggled.

"A'IGHT BITCHES." I jumped off the cloud and bucked it, causing them both to start plummeting to the asphalt. "DAMNIT..." I reacted quickly, catching them both before they exploded in an alley. "You guys alright?"

"Yeah." Rainbow had a look of pure terror now.

"Never do that again, but thank you..." Sky rolled his eyes.

I sat them down on the road and flew back into town.

CHAPTER END. So, no viewer vote this time because I already have the next chapter's choice. Sky belongs to Flying Sky High, my first real reviewer. He's pretty damn nice.


End file.
